2-Part Series–Pain! How Do You Describe the Chronic Pain to Others? (Second Part)

(Second Part)

I had a stroke that left me with chronic pain along with all the others who had a stroke, TBI, ABI, or some other neurological (brain) illness. That doesn’t make me better, but it is what it is. Other people, the normies I call them, don’t get it about how much chronic pain you’re in. Family and friends, too, are often without a clue. If chronic pain doesn’t happen to them, how would they know! So you have to explain the pain to the normies without being overly dramatic or crying. 

With acute pain, lasting 3 months or shorter, you need patience and the acute pain will go away. With chronic pain, as I said in the blog before this one, you might have it for the long haul. No one knows about it because pain is invisible to everyone but you.

Dealing with tough responses is the worse! Here’s a few:

• “Have you tried yoga or turmeric or thinking positive?”

You might respond with:

• “I’ve tried many things. I have a treatment plan from the doctor that I’m following.” (Few people want to interfere with medical advise, especially advice from a doctor!)

• “You don’t look sick at all!”

You might respond with:

• “Chronic pain for most disabilities is often invisible. I’ve gotten good at functioning despite it.

(They can’t see your pain, so they may doubt its severity. And chronic pain fluctuates, which can be confusing to them.)

• “Everyone gets tire or sore.”

You might respond with:

• “I understand that’s your experience, but chronic pain is a different level.”                (You have a chronic condition that sometimes affects your energy levels.)

• “You just need to push through.”

You might respond with:

• “Pushing through actually makes the chronic pain worse and can lead to flare-ups.” (You’re not exaggerating or being lazy. My body just works differently now.)

• “Are You Sure It’s Not Just In Your Head?”

You might respond with:

• “Chronic pain is a real neurological condition, not just cured by a psychologist.” (Accept that some people won’t get it.)

The goal in everyday conversations is to achieve understanding without overwhelming the listener. Chronic pain is abstract. It’s like having a sprained ankle that never heals, or the worst flu you’ve had, full muscle ache and exhaustion, or “This is my starting point most days.” Or share one article or video that explains your condition from reliable sources like the Mayo Clinic or Cleveland Clinic. 

Set parameters on advice, like “I appreciate you want to help” or “I have a medical team I’m working with, so what I need from you is support, not treatment suggestions. Just having you listen and understand what I’m going through would be fine right now.” You don’t need to tell everyone everything. And it’s okay to keep some things private. So is oversharing! Oversharing really sucks and makes the listener not listen anymore.

You don’t need to apologize for your condition. “I can’t make it” is sufficient without “I feel terrible. I’m such a goofy friend.” You’re a person with pain, and when you get together, talk about other things, that is, say your interests and conversations beyond your chronic pain. When someone inquires “How are you?”, briefly say: “I’m managing. My pain is a bit high today, but I’m glad to see you.”